Monday, July 31, 2017

A Letter To Her

There are so many thoughts that run through my head. It's been two and a half years since the affair was revealed and all this time has been spent dealing with the aftermath.

There are so many things that I have wanted to say to you. And for a long time it would have been a long list of anger and hurt. Sometimes it's still a reaction to the pain that drives me into a crying mess. Because I loved you.

That day I found out that my best friend was not my friend at all. It effects so much more of my life than expected. My memories of years of friendship became tainted and moments of my life that I would look on with fondness are now clouded in the betrayal. It calls to question all the time we spent together. And it breaks my heart.

My heart breaks for lots of reasons. The loss of you is a big one. Or at least the who I thought you were. But my heart aches even more that I had to give up your family as my family.

I am so devastated in how I walked away from your children. I abandoned them. I was someone in their lives and I had to turn my back on loving them. I was so consumed and lost in my own pain that I could not even bear speaking with them. I had to avoid noticing them when I would see them at school because I knew that my relationship would never be the same.

I vividly remember the last time that I had contact with your son. He wanted to talk to my little one. I stood there just watching them. And when it was time to go, you were calling him from behind me, he wrapped his arms around me and hugged me. And I couldn't hug him back. I stood there numb and he hugged me. I was so consumed with my own anger toward you that I couldn't return the affection that he was giving me.

The memory of this hurts me still. Two years later. There is no way for me to be able to ask for forgiveness for my part in hurting your children. I am sorry for their hurt. I'm sorry for turning my back on them.

I don't really think there is much more that I can say. Because there is too much to say and it would never be enough. I could never fully express the hurt or the sadness that I associate with you. Even though this letter was a long time coming, it is not what I expected it to be. My goal is not to try to hurt you or anything like that. More than anything, it was just time to get some of these thoughts out of my head and for them to be shared.

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Bible Journaling: Hebrews 12:29

There is nothing better than remembering the power of our God. When I read this verse it reminds me of how powerful he truly is.

Let's look at this verse with the one before it. It says,

Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our "God is a consuming fire". 
                                                                                                                -Hebrews 12:28-29
We are loved and in the presence of God who is unshakable. He is overwhelmingly amazing. My goal in life is to be with him. His power and spirit are so much that it consumes me whole, like a fire blazing through a field. My hope is that his fire grows within me and everything that I touch will then become alight with his flame and be consumed just as I have been. And the end result will be less me and more him.