Wednesday, May 18, 2016

That Feeling of Home

It's been over a year since my whole life changed. And there are moments when the pain still brings tears to my eyes and an ache in my soul.

I miss a lot of things that used to bring me joy.

I miss the church that I practically grew up in. I miss people that I spent well over a decade getting to know.

I miss being in ministry. I miss leading and teaching. I miss being apart of a team that worked to teach Jesus to kids in fun, creative and great ways.

I see how much I took it for granted. When I had to walk away because of all the painful things I lost all the joyful parts that went with it.

Because I can't see any of it the same anymore. My memories have been tainted. And I just want to scream "It's not fair!". But really that won't do any good.

Because that church was more than a building for me. It was where I was introduced to Jesus. It was where I found confidence in teaching. It is where I met Michael. It's where I fell in love with him. It's where I got married. It's where I sang and laughed and cried. It's where I taught and learned. It's where I brought my babies for their first outing. It's where I watched them grow as they learned about God. It's where I met people that I thought I would have friendships with to last a lifetime.

It was home.

And sometimes when I was younger it was the only place I had that felt like home.

And now it's not the same. I can't go there anymore and find the peace and safety that it once held. It is not home.

And it's the same with those I knew there. Oh, how I miss them! But they are not home. 

When Michael left, they stood together with me in my pain and hardship. They helped me by giving support and helping with my home. And to have that was amazing.

But it quickly faded. Because, life goes on, even when yours feels like it's in a standstill.

Now, I can't even drive by it without feeling the sadness and the longing for what it once held for me. I don't feel like I could call those who are within those walls. I can't walk in the doors because I know that it would just break me down.

But all is not lost. Because I am still walking with God, my marriage is restored and my family is okay.

I know that it's okay to miss what I once had. 

But I have to learn not to dwell on it. If I spend too much time living in what my life used to be I will never see what it could become and I would missing out on what it is right now.

And right now, it's about working on how to make the best of what I do have and where I am and to keep moving forward. To continue in healing and forgiveness. To grow stronger and learn again who I am. I'm working on being the best wife and mom I can be. And learning to trust again. And hopefully, finding my way back to knowing that feeling of home.