Friday, April 22, 2016

I Almost Missed It

It was a few weeks ago.

It was beautiful outside. The sun was shining, but it wasn't too hot. It was a perfect day.

I was sitting on the swing in the backyard watching Michael playing with Anya on the trampoline.

These two are really the best. Anya and Michael taking sneaky pictures on my iPad.

They were running and jumping and giggling and bouncing.

It made me smile.

It made me laugh.

And then suddenly I was crying.

Because my thoughts wandered to "I almost missed this moment."

Because when Michael left over a year ago I was devastated. And I was lost. And if he hadn't come home and we hadn't reconciled our marriage I would have missed this moment of watching him play with our youngest child.

But here's the problem.

I was still missing it.

I was caught in a circle of "I almost missed it" thoughts that I was forgetting to stay in the moment and truly be in the present of this time that was full of fun.

In my own head I still struggle with my thoughts. I still struggle with my sadness. I get so focused on the "what ifs" and the "almost misseds" that I miss out on what's happening right now right in front of me.

And it's hard.

It's hard to get out of the cycle once its started.

But I sat there on the swing and I watched them play. I wiped away my tears, said a prayer and began watching again with new eyes.

And I could see what was in front of me. Watching a daddy playing with his daughter giving her so much joy. Watching him chase her around the trampoline with her screaming and then giggling every time her caught her. Seeing them jump up and down together, dancing in circles.

I didn't want to miss it. I wanted to be present for every second of it.

And that's what I focus on, when my mind starts running away on its own. I work hard to not focus on the "what ifs" of "almost missed" because if I do I will really miss it.

I don't want to miss any of it.