Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Why I Left Facebook

Image courtesy of iamharin at FreeDigitalPhotos.net


Tons and tons of people have said good-bye to Facebook for multiple different reasons. Some are tired of the drama, of the negativity. Some feel that they spend too much time on it and are ignoring their real life. The list can go on and on and on.

Facebook can be great too. It helped me to connect to family members that I hadn't seen or heard from in years. It helped me to learn a little bit more about my friends, things that may not come up in normal conversation. It let me share my blog to a larger audience than it receives now.

But I chose to close it down and leave it behind.

And here is why:

It just hurt too much.

When Michael confessed his affair and left me and our kids I held on to my facebook page.  I didn't post a single thing. But I watched. I kept it because I was receiving private messages from people who wanted to offer me a sense of support and love. I had many reach out and I didn't always respond. I honestly didn't really know how. I have a hard time letting people in and I was in a place that I left so abandoned and alone.

But after Michael and I decided to reconcile a lot of the support and messages were gone. And I would sign on to find conversations between the woman he cheated with and my friends on Facebook. 

And I hated it. I felt unprotected and unloved.

I felt so isolated and abandoned. And I quickly felt like I had no one to confide in. No one to bring the comfort that I desperately needed. Everyone's life was going on and mine was a crumbled mess that I was trying to clean up. 

And so I shut it down.

And I really did isolate myself.

And found how alone I really was. I was left with almost no social circle and having to start my whole life over. Somewhere along the line I have forgotten how to connect with people in new ways. I have forgotten how to make friends. I have forgotten how to share me. 

A couple of times I have tried to sign back in and maybe open myself up to social media again and I find even just staring at the homepage overwhelming. Because after 9 or 10 months without it I see how not real it is. And how close to people I really wasn't. 

I want to be a person in interacts with people in real life. And that is what I am trying to do better. I am not good at it. It takes months for me to feel comfortable with people to show who I am.

Somewhere along the way I lost something. Because I spent years with the same people, in the same church, in the same area, with the same friends. Interacting was easy. I didn't even have to try because it was all right in front of me. And now I have to make to effort.

Maybe some old friendships can be recovered. Maybe some new ones will develop further. Maybe I'll find a way to be comfortable with people faster. To willing to open up and not hide and not isolate.

Because life is not supposed to be lived alone. God created us to love and be loved and we can't do that without people. I can't do that without people. 

Yes, I have Michael and my kids and my family, but there is something about having a friend who absolutely knows who you are and loves you. And if I am completely honest, I don't know if I've ever had that friend, besides my husband.

And really, I just want one. One person that it's ok to pour my heart out to and cry and be broken and messed up in front of. Who will pick me up and love me. And I want someone that I love enough to do the same for. Someone who I can laugh with and share life with.

And really, who wouldn't want that kind of unconditional love from someone who really has no obligation to give it but chooses to anyway?

Maybe I'm asking too much. Maybe my friendship expectations are too high.

Or maybe I haven't been that friend so how can I expect anyone else to be. Because I have to start on my end.

So pray for me, pray for strength and wisdom and kindness. Pray that I will pick the phone and call or text; that I will reach out. That I will open myself up for a chance at a life long friendship. And I will be that kind of friend that does all the things that I am praying for someone to do for me.