Thursday, February 27, 2014

Less Than

I remember the first time I felt that way.  The very first time that I noticed that everyone is different, the first time that I felt like I was less than anyone else.

I was in third grade.  I would say that I was a pretty average kid.  Average in every single way, with my brown hair and eyes, with my A-B grades, with my simple personality.

But then there was Amy. I remember thinking that Amy was so pretty.  She has blonde wavy hair that she wore in half pigtails.  Her eyes were blue and her body was thin.  I remember then, at even 8 and 9 years old, that she was prettier than me, that boys found her pretty and adults saw her as cute.  I was non of these things.  I was not pretty like Amy was pretty.

I don't remember dwelling on this fact.  It was just something that I noticed in my young mind.  But I started noticing other things as I continued through elementary school.  I was bigger than all my friends.  All of them.  Now, I have no idea if they noticed that I was bigger than they were, but I did.  I was always that kids with some meat on my bones.  Not fat.  Not overweight.  But bigger than my super skinny friends.  And they were all skinny like that.  I felt like the odd man out.

Even being that young it wasn't always about size and looks.  I didn't really have a best friend either.  Sure, I had friends.  I had girls I hung out with. But within that group each girl had their own selected best friend.  No one wanted to choose me.  That's a sad feeling to have.  I was allowed to be part of the large group but never in the smaller, more close knit groups that developed within it.

And that right there is how I've always been.  Now there were moments where I was skinnier but not as skinny as most.  There were times that I felt like I had a "best friend" but looking back they were still at arms length.

High school was more of the same.  I was bigger.  Even as an active cheerleader I was still "big."  Never as thin as anyone wanted me to be.  Not as thin as I wanted to be.  And I had lots of friends but still felt like I was standing on the outside of being truly close to someone.  None of them wanted to be close to me.  There was always someone better and I was just not good enough.

I still struggle with this at times.  I still struggle with being the big girl in a sea of those that are smaller than me.  I struggle with feeling of being left out.  I struggle with feeling like I'm not close to anyone.

Even though I know I have people who love me.  I know I have people who want to be close to me and are.  I know that I am not left out.

But there are still so any times that I feel like I am that little girl that thinks she's less than everyone else.

I know that I am not alone and so many people feel this way.  I just want to be noticed and loved by those who I love.  I don't want to be less than, I want to be more.