Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Struggle

I work with a small group of high school girls on Wednesdays. I've been feeling very disconnected with them lately. They seem to be at this age where it's "cool" to not care. I've been working with them throughout the school year and in the beginning I felt like I was reaching them but now I feel like I just can't get a hold anymore.

Maybe because I've put my teenage years behind me that I can't connect. I am no longer the person I was all those years ago. I feel almost a complete disconnect from my own teenage years, like it was a time that wasn't real. I don't identify myself with who I was then. I made stupid choices, did bad things, tried to live the balance of doing what was cool and doing what was right. I no longer feel I have to prove myself to my peers anymore. The people I have in my life now take me as I am, not as I would pretend to be.

But now I feel like I need to prove myself to these girls. How can I get sucked into what these teens think about me? This isn't something I should be worried about. I'm there to teach them about Jesus. I'm there be to be a confidant for them. I'm there to let them be themselves in a safe environment. I just don't think they are really being themselves. Even in our small group they hide behind what they think they should be, instead of just being themselves.

I feel like I'm drowning when I am there. They're draining me. No matter what I do, they won't let me in. I feel like I'm reaching and reaching and they're pushing and pushing. I'm exhausted.