Monday, May 2, 2011

Scratching the Surface

I don't let people in. I'm very much a person that keeps a distance. I always feel on the outside of the group. It's not because the group doesn't want me there, it's that I haven't formed the relationships that others have. I have not let myself get close.

Is there any reason that I put up this road block whenever I start becoming close to anyone? I really have no idea. It even goes back in high school that I was this way. I remember having a best friend that I loved but I don't think we were ever as close as we could have been. I never opened myself up. Even though I would tell her my secrets, tell her my feelings I don't think I ever broke down in front of her. I don't think I ever really let her in. From 8th grade to our senior year of high school I kept myself separated. I don't know why.

The only person that I have ever let myself be close to is Michael. He was able to penetrate my barriers where others have not, but he is the only one. In the last 10 years he is probably the only person to see me really cry. I'm pretty sure that the people I know very few have seen me cry and if they have it's been very controlled. It might be a slight tearing up instead of the gushing flow it should be. When I have conversations I never let it get too serious, I only scratch the surface so I can keep myself under control.

These things are true when it comes to God as well. I know Him and love Him but I know that I keep Him at bay too. I have a hard time asking others for prayer because it means that I am not in control of myself. It means I need help.

I realize that I can't do everything alone. I need deep friendships. We are designed for it. I feel stuck and don't know how to obtain. I want a best friend. I want someone who will still love me when they've seen me at my worst and celebrate with me when they've seen me at my best. I want more that just passing by friendships. I want lasting connections. I want someone that feels close enough to me that I can be with them at their worsts and celebrate their bests. I need a best friend that is not also my husband. I need a best friend that is a woman that can understand me and all those complications around me.

So this is my prayer and I ask for prayer from you as well, that I will let myself be out of control. That I will no longer feel the need to block myself off. I ask for prayer that I will no longer be afraid to need help and understand that we are not meant to do things alone. I pray that I will also do this in my relationship with God. I will not block Him. I will not stand in His way to move in my life. I will let Him in and follow His directions. I pray that I will no longer just scratch the surface but instead dive in and let myself go.

I know that there is not an easy fix. That this will be new for me and it will be hard to let my guard down, but I know that if I do it, it will be worth it.