Thursday, March 24, 2011

Will my Past Come Back and Bite Me?

The world scares me when it comes to my children. I was influenced by this world before I found Jesus and knowing how much my kids are like me I know I have my work cut out for me.

I was not the best person growing up. I couldn't have been easy on my mom, and during my pre- and early teens our relationship was strained. I was a know it all. I was an adult but only in my own mind. I had no idea how the real world worked or how much pain I caused her until I finally changed my life around. It's the same kind of pain you see reflected in mothers whose children decide that they do not want to be with God. I know quite a few of these people and I fear that I will be in the same place one day.

What do you do when you want to be liked by your peers? You do what they do, and they do what their older siblings, cousins, tv or their favorite rock star is doing. So if my friends thought smoking was cool and that was something I could do too I would do it. What was the big deal anyway? So I was only 13 and I started smoking. It was then that I really felt I needed to start hiding things from my parents.

I don't plan on getting into all the wrongs I've done here, at least not right now. This is still too new of a platform for my to really bare my soul. But I will say that I was not as bad as some but worse than others. I made poor choices. No... I made really bad choices and I do want these to be the same kind of choices that my kids make. I pray constantly that because I am raising my kids in a God loving and a God fearing home that they will make better choices in life. Better than what I ever made. The only really good choice I ever made was to take Jesus into my heart and let him lead my life. Everything just fell into place after that. By loving Jesus I have been blessed more than I have ever deserved.

More than anything I don't want them to feel as lost as I felt at points in my life. I want them to be found in Jesus and have the blessings that He is able to offer. I want them to be happy. I want them to be the opposite of what I was and closer to the kind of person I am now. Is that too much to ask? Is it too much to worry about when they are only five and two?