Tuesday, July 17, 2018

Busy Life and I Just Don't Sit Down to Blog

Once upon a time, I blogged fairly regularly. I loved every minute of it. It was my safe place to think and broadcast my thoughts. This blog has been a huge outlet for this stay-at-home mom. And I am very thankful for that.

But, times have changed. I started the blog so I could write, because I spent so many years not writing. Now, being back in school for the last two years, I write all the time. I write school papers. I write ideas and thoughts. I have even dabbled back a little into poetry and fictional writing. But I can't seem to bring myself to write here.

I feel like I've forgotten how to express myself outwardly in this way. I've become more protective of my sharing. And that's ok. All of life has its seasons. And right now, mine is not on this blog.

I'm not ready to give it up either. I like to know that it's still here waiting for my words and my thoughts when I am ready to come back.

Maybe when school is done (I graduate in December). Maybe after graduate school (2-3 years from now). I'm not really sure.

I'll try to come and visit from time to time. Maybe do some book reviews or put up recipes. Who knows what the future brings?

But for now, I am saying, I'm taking an official break for the foreseeable future. Unlike my unintentional one from the last several months.

Thank you to those who may actually read this.

Monday, January 1, 2018

Goals 2018

The last several months of 2017 were hard and busy. I have thought about writing on the blog several times, but have never been able to get myself to sit down and do it. 

Part of the reason I have been unable to write on here is because I want to write a blog about my grandfather who passed away on September 17th... but, I just haven't been able to yet. The loss of him came very fast and though it has been months I have found myself stuck when it comes to writing about him. There is just too much to say.

Another reason that the blog has been lacking is my school schedule. I went back to school to obtain my degree in English and this last semester was a tough one. But I made it through. I have been writing and reading almost constantly but it has been almost exclusively academic. It has been a lot of hard work but worth it. I feel like I have learned so much. I am a year away from receiving my degree, which seems unbelievable and exciting but so far away. 

So, today's post is supposed to be about the goals for this year. Every year I make a list of goals and try to keep them updated as I move throughout the year. Some goals are easy to track and others are more of just feeling it, however, I never seem to complete all of them. But that's ok too. Sometimes just having the goal is enough.

So let's check out my goals for 2018.

  1. Read one nonacademic book a month, or 12 "fun" books for the year.
  2. Be able to run 3.1 miles without stopping. (This includes completing C25K)
  3. Go camping.
  4. Finish re-carpeting the house.
  5. Write at least 6 blog posts in 2018.
And there you have it. The list is short this year. I'm finding that there are many things that I want to do and accomplish but I am also trying to be realistic when it comes to the amount of physical time I have. I want to be able to be successful with school, while still giving time to my church and spending time with my family. So, while it is very important that I do things that are for me, I do not want to have so many goals that I lose focus on the most important things.

Happy New Year!

Saturday, August 5, 2017

Bible Journaling: Isaiah 12:2

Learning to trust is hard. Fear has this way of blocking us off from trusting at all. Why would we choose not to trust? Because we are scared of being hurt, let down or betrayed. But the thing is, that is not how God works.

God should be trusted. Because, honestly, we are the ones that let him down. We betray him and we hurt him. I have done all these things to him. But he has not done a single one to me. In fact, he stays and loves me through all those times that I have turned my back on him. He has stayed with me even when I chose not to trust him.

So, I try now to focus on this:

"God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid" -Isaiah 12:2

Fear will cause me to isolate. Fear gives me anxiety. Fear can take a hold of me and make it impossible for me to function. But God is trustworthy. And when I need him, he always shows up. He can be trusted. I do not need to fear because I walk with God. 

I keep striving for this. To let go of my fear and be able to trust completely. I do not have to be afraid. I do not have to have anxiety but the truth is, is that I do. But the trust part comes when I talk to God about the struggles that come and I learn to lean on him. He has made my anxiety less and my fears less. 

So, I will not be afraid. I will stick with God. He saves me.

Monday, July 31, 2017

A Letter To Her

There are so many thoughts that run through my head. It's been two and a half years since the affair was revealed and all this time has been spent dealing with the aftermath.

There are so many things that I have wanted to say to you. And for a long time it would have been a long list of anger and hurt. Sometimes it's still a reaction to the pain that drives me into a crying mess. Because I loved you.

That day I found out that my best friend was not my friend at all. It effects so much more of my life than expected. My memories of years of friendship became tainted and moments of my life that I would look on with fondness are now clouded in the betrayal. It calls to question all the time we spent together. And it breaks my heart.

My heart breaks for lots of reasons. The loss of you is a big one. Or at least the who I thought you were. But my heart aches even more that I had to give up your family as my family.

I am so devastated in how I walked away from your children. I abandoned them. I was someone in their lives and I had to turn my back on loving them. I was so consumed and lost in my own pain that I could not even bear speaking with them. I had to avoid noticing them when I would see them at school because I knew that my relationship would never be the same.

I vividly remember the last time that I had contact with your son. He wanted to talk to my little one. I stood there just watching them. And when it was time to go, you were calling him from behind me, he wrapped his arms around me and hugged me. And I couldn't hug him back. I stood there numb and he hugged me. I was so consumed with my own anger toward you that I couldn't return the affection that he was giving me.

The memory of this hurts me still. Two years later. There is no way for me to be able to ask for forgiveness for my part in hurting your children. I am sorry for their hurt. I'm sorry for turning my back on them.

I don't really think there is much more that I can say. Because there is too much to say and it would never be enough. I could never fully express the hurt or the sadness that I associate with you. Even though this letter was a long time coming, it is not what I expected it to be. My goal is not to try to hurt you or anything like that. More than anything, it was just time to get some of these thoughts out of my head and for them to be shared.

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Bible Journaling: Hebrews 12:29

There is nothing better than remembering the power of our God. When I read this verse it reminds me of how powerful he truly is.

Let's look at this verse with the one before it. It says,

Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our "God is a consuming fire". 
                                                                                                                -Hebrews 12:28-29
We are loved and in the presence of God who is unshakable. He is overwhelmingly amazing. My goal in life is to be with him. His power and spirit are so much that it consumes me whole, like a fire blazing through a field. My hope is that his fire grows within me and everything that I touch will then become alight with his flame and be consumed just as I have been. And the end result will be less me and more him.

Thursday, June 29, 2017

I Miss Blogging

My brain is always racked with ideas and plans and the best intentions. But when life happens and things get busy the first thing to suffer is always my blog.

School took a lot out of me last semester. I was reading and writing constantly. The work felt endless at times and I was also taking one of the hardest classes I ever experienced. But the rewards were worth the work as I ended the semester with straight A's!

A lot has happened over the last couple months in general life as well. Michael and I renewed our vows on our 12th wedding anniversary. It was simple, beautiful and perfect. The growth we have made as individuals and in our marriage is incredible. Another area in which hard work reaps the best rewards. I have been wanting to share all about it. Unfortunately, I have no pictures of it. My parents do though. And one day, maybe I'll get my hands on them and share about it.

I spend a lot of my days trying to live right where I am. I have a tendency to let my mind wander into those past moments that make my heart ache and eyes tear up so I actively spend my time trying to be who I am right now and live right now. Not focusing on my old life that I am not living anymore. I have a good life and that's what I want to remember.

The kids are growing so incredibly fast that I feel like I can't keep up. Sidda is on her way to middle school and looks more and more like an adult everyday. MJ has found a new love in baseball. He played his first season and wants nothing more to play it all the time. And Anya... what can be said about her? She is four, going on 16. She loves clothes and accessories and posing for a camera. And on top of everything else I find my kids so astonishingly funny and witty. All three are also so sarcastic at times we have to attempt to reign it in. These three keep me busy and on my toes constantly.

I'm hoping to return to blogging fairly regularly here. I know that I have to make the plan to make it happen and not let life coming at me get in my way. So, this was just a quick update and now back to life.

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

You Make Me Brave

Have you ever had a song that just hits your life at the right moment and yet once that moment has passed, instead of sparking memories, it almost haunts you?

I hope it's not just me.

When Michael left me and I was stuck and felt so lost without a full concept of what I was going to do and how I was going to make it.

And then I heard it, the song that would become my own personal anthem. I held on to the words of Amanda Cook & Bethel Music because what I needed in this time of fear and confusion was to know how to be brave.

Let me tell you, I was not brave. I was so low and weak but knew that I had to wake up each day so I needed my God to make me brave.

You will make me brave
You will make me brave
You who called me out beyond the shore into the waves
You will make me brave
You will make me brave
No fear can hinder now the love that made a way

I would pray these words. I would sing them out. I played the song so many times that Anya would sing it with me and ask to hear it.

And each and every time I would sob as I prayed because I didn't have my own strength to move. I questioned every moment of myself, my every thought and decision. I questioned everything that I knew. The only thing I knew was I could lean on God and that he would make me brave.

And he did. Even when I didn't know it. He made me brave when facing some of the most difficult moments of my life.

But now, though I love the song and its words still speak to my heart, when I hear the words I am transported right back to that time, when I was begging God to save my marriage, to hear my cry and to make me brave.

And immediately I become a sobbing mess. The beauty of the lyrics still hits me deep and I remember.

But as times continues to move I realize how much I need to remember those times that were hard. I need to remember the times that nearly broke me and left with nowhere to go.

Those memories are where I remember that God never left and how much my life has changed.

I know how far I have journeyed in two short years.

Without reminders of the pain I wouldn't see the new strength in my marriage and the wholeness of my family.

I wouldn't know the power of grace and forgiveness.

I'm becoming better at letting these memories wash over me\and finding a way to rejoice and celebrate where I stand right now.