Saturday, August 5, 2017

Bible Journaling: Isaiah 12:2

Learning to trust is hard. Fear has this way of blocking us off from trusting at all. Why would we choose not to trust? Because we are scared of being hurt, let down or betrayed. But the thing is, that is not how God works.

God should be trusted. Because, honestly, we are the ones that let him down. We betray him and we hurt him. I have done all these things to him. But he has not done a single one to me. In fact, he stays and loves me through all those times that I have turned my back on him. He has stayed with me even when I chose not to trust him.

So, I try now to focus on this:


"God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid" -Isaiah 12:2

Fear will cause me to isolate. Fear gives me anxiety. Fear can take a hold of me and make it impossible for me to function. But God is trustworthy. And when I need him, he always shows up. He can be trusted. I do not need to fear because I walk with God. 

I keep striving for this. To let go of my fear and be able to trust completely. I do not have to be afraid. I do not have to have anxiety but the truth is, is that I do. But the trust part comes when I talk to God about the struggles that come and I learn to lean on him. He has made my anxiety less and my fears less. 

So, I will not be afraid. I will stick with God. He saves me.

Monday, July 31, 2017

A Letter To Her


There are so many thoughts that run through my head. It's been two and a half years since the affair was revealed and all this time has been spent dealing with the aftermath.

There are so many things that I have wanted to say to you. And for a long time it would have been a long list of anger and hurt. Sometimes it's still a reaction to the pain that drives me into a crying mess. Because I loved you.

That day I found out that my best friend was not my friend at all. It effects so much more of my life than expected. My memories of years of friendship became tainted and moments of my life that I would look on with fondness are now clouded in the betrayal. It calls to question all the time we spent together. And it breaks my heart.

My heart breaks for lots of reasons. The loss of you is a big one. Or at least the who I thought you were. But my heart aches even more that I had to give up your family as my family.

I am so devastated in how I walked away from your children. I abandoned them. I was someone in their lives and I had to turn my back on loving them. I was so consumed and lost in my own pain that I could not even bear speaking with them. I had to avoid noticing them when I would see them at school because I knew that my relationship would never be the same.

I vividly remember the last time that I had contact with your son. He wanted to talk to my little one. I stood there just watching them. And when it was time to go, you were calling him from behind me, he wrapped his arms around me and hugged me. And I couldn't hug him back. I stood there numb and he hugged me. I was so consumed with my own anger toward you that I couldn't return the affection that he was giving me.

The memory of this hurts me still. Two years later. There is no way for me to be able to ask for forgiveness for my part in hurting your children. I am sorry for their hurt. I'm sorry for turning my back on them.

I don't really think there is much more that I can say. Because there is too much to say and it would never be enough. I could never fully express the hurt or the sadness that I associate with you. Even though this letter was a long time coming, it is not what I expected it to be. My goal is not to try to hurt you or anything like that. More than anything, it was just time to get some of these thoughts out of my head and for them to be shared.




Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Bible Journaling: Hebrews 12:29

There is nothing better than remembering the power of our God. When I read this verse it reminds me of how powerful he truly is.


Let's look at this verse with the one before it. It says,

Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our "God is a consuming fire". 
                                                                                                                -Hebrews 12:28-29
We are loved and in the presence of God who is unshakable. He is overwhelmingly amazing. My goal in life is to be with him. His power and spirit are so much that it consumes me whole, like a fire blazing through a field. My hope is that his fire grows within me and everything that I touch will then become alight with his flame and be consumed just as I have been. And the end result will be less me and more him.


Thursday, June 29, 2017

I Miss Blogging

My brain is always racked with ideas and plans and the best intentions. But when life happens and things get busy the first thing to suffer is always my blog.

School took a lot out of me last semester. I was reading and writing constantly. The work felt endless at times and I was also taking one of the hardest classes I ever experienced. But the rewards were worth the work as I ended the semester with straight A's!

A lot has happened over the last couple months in general life as well. Michael and I renewed our vows on our 12th wedding anniversary. It was simple, beautiful and perfect. The growth we have made as individuals and in our marriage is incredible. Another area in which hard work reaps the best rewards. I have been wanting to share all about it. Unfortunately, I have no pictures of it. My parents do though. And one day, maybe I'll get my hands on them and share about it.

I spend a lot of my days trying to live right where I am. I have a tendency to let my mind wander into those past moments that make my heart ache and eyes tear up so I actively spend my time trying to be who I am right now and live right now. Not focusing on my old life that I am not living anymore. I have a good life and that's what I want to remember.

The kids are growing so incredibly fast that I feel like I can't keep up. Sidda is on her way to middle school and looks more and more like an adult everyday. MJ has found a new love in baseball. He played his first season and wants nothing more to play it all the time. And Anya... what can be said about her? She is four, going on 16. She loves clothes and accessories and posing for a camera. And on top of everything else I find my kids so astonishingly funny and witty. All three are also so sarcastic at times we have to attempt to reign it in. These three keep me busy and on my toes constantly.

I'm hoping to return to blogging fairly regularly here. I know that I have to make the plan to make it happen and not let life coming at me get in my way. So, this was just a quick update and now back to life.


Wednesday, March 22, 2017

You Make Me Brave

Have you ever had a song that just hits your life at the right moment and yet once that moment has passed, instead of sparking memories, it almost haunts you?

I hope it's not just me.

When Michael left me and I was stuck and felt so lost without a full concept of what I was going to do and how I was going to make it.

And then I heard it, the song that would become my own personal anthem. I held on to the words of Amanda Cook & Bethel Music because what I needed in this time of fear and confusion was to know how to be brave.



Let me tell you, I was not brave. I was so low and weak but knew that I had to wake up each day so I needed my God to make me brave.

You will make me brave
You will make me brave
You who called me out beyond the shore into the waves
You will make me brave
You will make me brave
No fear can hinder now the love that made a way

I would pray these words. I would sing them out. I played the song so many times that Anya would sing it with me and ask to hear it.

And each and every time I would sob as I prayed because I didn't have my own strength to move. I questioned every moment of myself, my every thought and decision. I questioned everything that I knew. The only thing I knew was I could lean on God and that he would make me brave.

And he did. Even when I didn't know it. He made me brave when facing some of the most difficult moments of my life.

But now, though I love the song and its words still speak to my heart, when I hear the words I am transported right back to that time, when I was begging God to save my marriage, to hear my cry and to make me brave.

And immediately I become a sobbing mess. The beauty of the lyrics still hits me deep and I remember.

But as times continues to move I realize how much I need to remember those times that were hard. I need to remember the times that nearly broke me and left with nowhere to go.

Those memories are where I remember that God never left and how much my life has changed.

I know how far I have journeyed in two short years.

Without reminders of the pain I wouldn't see the new strength in my marriage and the wholeness of my family.

I wouldn't know the power of grace and forgiveness.

I'm becoming better at letting these memories wash over me\and finding a way to rejoice and celebrate where I stand right now.


Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Life Keeps Moving

It's amazing how life continues move along right around you when you feel like your life has just stopped. The world just keeps moving and the clock just keeps ticking on.

This is what it felt like when I saw my life crash around me. I was fighting for my marriage and to keep my family whole. I had one single goal each day and that was just to survive to the next.

That is how I lived for a long time.

My body and soul were in a constant state of survival mode. Each and everyday was a battle. It was battle in pain and hurt and the need to protect my children as best as I possibly could.

I was a complete and broken mess.

I spent my whole days crying. I cried for my hurt. I cried for my children. I cried out to God over and over again asking him to please help. I cried for Michael and I prayed for him.

We spent months rebuilding and only focusing on how to keep our marriage together. If it was going to survive the betrayal it was going to take actual work to put the pieces together. Not just back together, but in a new a better way. A way that would make us stronger.

We worked hard. We used whatever resource we could in order to strengthen us as individuals, as a couple and as a family.


And the whole time we were working we were in our own protective bubble. This bubble did not leave room for other people. It was only really for the five of us. And time kept moving all around us.

And suddenly it's two years later. Our family is strong. Our marriage is stronger than it was before. We are good.

But it's also two years later and I'm just beginning to step out of my protective zone. I'm realizing that others lives have continued to move as I've been stuck. People I used to know have different lives, some have moved, gotten married, expanded their families, kids have gotten older. Some loved ones have even passed away.

Their lives just kept moving forward all the while I expected it all to freeze around me and wait for me to come back in.

Kind of a selfish thought, right?

Of course I knew that their lives wouldn't just stop and wait for me. But in my mind they are as they were two years ago. To me, they are the people they were then, even if they've drastically changed their lives since.

How can really expect them to be exactly the same as they were when I am clearly not?

So many changes have happened in me I do not feel the same as I was then.

Life just continues to go on. The world keeps moving, the clock keeps ticking, the kids keep growing.

 And really, it's for the best.

It's a reminder to me that I do not have to be stuck. My life may have been altered two years ago and started in a completely different direction than what I had envisioned, but I made it through. My family made it through. We are not stuck and we are not who we were. We, together, have put in the work and made the choices that make us stronger. We are more whole, now as individuals and as a family.

Did I want the pain and the heartache? No. Not on your life.

But do I want the outcome of a life that has moved forward and to be in a marriage that I know is more than I ever imagined? Yes.

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Bible Journaling: Joshua 1:9

Sometimes I need a simple reminder that I can be strong and courageous because I know that God is with me. Just as Joshua encouraged the Israelites as they were getting ready to move into the Promised Land I can also be encouraged. With God with me I have no reason not to be strong and courageous. I belong to him, so I am safe, no matter what the world throws at me.